Halloween is coming, and so are the zombies. Don’t panic! They move slowly. More importantly, they move! By supernatural, inexhaustible means! This makes them an excellent, untapped source of energy.
Zombies! These days, while some people are preoccupied with the question of how the undead can even be reanimated, others prepare to survive a zombie apocalypse. In all this, a vital question is overlooked. Given that the zombies reanimate - how can we put them to work?
As with many forms of energy, the public’s appreciation is clouded by fear. The notion of the “zombie chain reaction” quells all constructive conversation and everyone rushes off to get a sharp farming implement or a shotgun. This is a waste of both the zombie energy, and of the people who are rushing around smashing in zombie heads and exposing themselves to zombie bites. The key is to contain the zombies and get useful work out of them.
Let’s look at the mechanism of the zombie chain reaction.
A zombie’s main activity is the pursuit of people with live brains. Zombies are constantly frustrated, however, when their victims die before they can eat the brains. A zombie might get in a bite, but then the victim runs off to die elsewhere, also becoming a zombie.
From a Zombie’s perspective, this is a waste of fresh brains. More importantly, zombie brains are not appetizing to zombies. Inexplicably, zombies are not cannibals. This quality of zombies leads to a the zombie chain reaction: The supply of zombies, unchecked, increases exponentially.
Historically, people have been so distracted by the chain reaction, that they fail to make an important distinction.
In a zombie chain reaction, you end up with lot of zombies wandering around, chasing a diminishing supply of brains. At this point you would expect the zombies to collapse without brain fuel. They don’t. Even without brains to eat, the reanimated corpses of zombies can shuffle around.
This is the key to zombie power.
The brains do not power the zombies - they just provide drive. And as long as we know what drives them (brains!), we are in good shape to control the power.
To harness (literally) zombie power you simply need to:
This doesn’t make for a very efficient plant, but there are worse energy ideas. Thanks to Glen Wong for creating the following awesome illustration!
@RezwanRazani I think you asked for something like this a while back pic.twitter.com/RD0fiAjafr
— Glen Wong (@GlenWongAtlanta) November 5, 2013
Getting the city to approve a zombie power plant (“ZPP”) might be difficult. If the ZPP has a spill, it spews zombies (the primary hazard of zombie power). Thus every ZPP requires a zombie spill cleanup crew.
Most likely, people in the surrounding area wouldn’t even be aware the plant was powered by zombies. This would leave the public unprepared.
Why are they uninformed? Think of the NIMBY nightmare for the energy executives of ZPP.
Said energy executives may soon find that the supply of zombies is diminishing and the power plant is becoming less efficient. This represents a lower return on investment. Ominously, the executives have an incentive to spread zombie infection. They may want to initiate a “controlled zombie chain reaction.” This may lead to “disappearances”.
This is where many people will end up - people who are being made redundant and offered early retirement. Zombie Corp’s big business answer to pension plan, Medicare and Social Security cost overruns. [Don’t like that answer to employee surplus? Consider Basic Income.]
Forget Zombie Power! There are many ways to win the Race to be the first Zero Carbon State of the Union. We can certainly outrun the zombies.
Happy Halloween!
Have a happy Halloween!
One of the few zombie movies to get it right. The epilogue shows an early version of civic minded zombie power, albeit squandered in a game show format.
It’s great to see the Military has a plan for Zombies.
Check out @ZachWeiner‘s Peak Superman.
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